InsaneJournal

Feelings are something we need to embrace and cherish and let go.
I haven't been writing for a few days; because my energy has been somewhat low. These are exceprts from e-mails I've written that may give you an idea why.

I need to go to the home again tonight; and write up a small itinerary at lunch so the nurses know what to do.

...

It is not easy, though. There's three floors, and she's on the second floor. One of the problems we're trying to fix right now is that the second floor is primarily for late-stage dementia patients, and my Grandmother is mid-stage but is pretty quiet. We kept closing the door because random residents came on three separate occasions and just ... tried to come in, and we're like 'this isn't your room'. And then there was this one older Chinese woman who was -screaming- and -wailing- and -crying- like she was at an old-style funeral. We want to have her transferred to the third floor since it's much quieter and they still do full-care (since my Grandmother's physical capabilities are nil, and the first floor is for the physically independent). In terms of architecture and interior design, the place looks exactly like the inside of a hospital, besides a few more furnishings.

My Mom cried a lot (and is a hugely courageous woman, because she still managed to get through a lot of the work despite how upset she clearly was). I was superpissed at my Aunt (as was my Mom) since my Mom was trying to handle the paperwork and started to choke up, and my aunt was like 'Oh, stop dis stupidness'. My Mother pretty much articulated the right response to me later; 'It's none of her business how and when I cry. Who is she to say that? She wasn't even here, living with her! She barely did anything to help out!'. Of my Mom's siblings, the only ones really with a strong quality of common sense in this context are the three youngest (my Mom, my Aunt who works for the City, and my Uncle from Florida). My Mom feels really guilty - she still doesn't want to do this; the problem is that her own health is decreasing at a consistent and scary rate. I told her (not in this manner, but the message was clear) that it's a difficult choice choosing between her and my Grandmother, but I -will- choose her - no questions asked. Even if she won't.

We're planning to bring her out on weekends as well; like every other weekend at the least. But everything just feels really... out of whack. There's a strange lack of equilibrium.

...

I'm alright; just sort of - the biggest thing for me is developing a schedule that allows me to have my own social life and relish that while still doing justice towards my grandmother by visiting her on a regular basis. I'm developing an unhealthy sense of guilt already towards this, and I need to nip it in the bud because guilt does not help. Working on a plan will.

My Mom brought up the fact that while she's here, we have to be very visible with the staff (who are all awesome; one of the things that are frustrating is that my Mom and I really developed a repore with the staff on the 2nd floor, but not as much on the 3rd). I met the Activity Coordinator with my Mother, and she was really sweet - she carried herself well, very informative and she got along with my Grandmother well. My Mom was suspicious when they told her that they check on them every two hours, but from 3 to 7 we didn't have anyone. I assumed that it was because there was company there, but I'm not sure. They feel fine and they seem incredibly competent and friendly, but I have no experience in this so I don't know how to meaningfully discriminate. They did go out of their way though to actually help us with making the request to transfer floors though; so they definitely aren't openly vicious or the like (they actually recommend transfers themselves when they see a resident who isn't in the appropriate floor, so I hope that helps).

...

Well, she goes to sleep very early - at around 7PM or so. Meals together aren't really any option with work and the like; which is why it's important to bring her out every other weekend. Honestly, doing that and visiting her maybe twice a week will probably be good. It feels like a good amount. Honestly, it's more than I saw her at home - most of the time when I got home she was asleep, and when I left in the morning she was just waking up.

Oh, I do (think about my parents like this in the future). And I know that I won't be able to manage, imagining it right now. I just won't be able to.

As you've probably gathered, my family and I have had to put my Grandmother in a fulltime care facility. This, combined with a Pride that could potentially be incredibly eventful, has really thrown me into a state of unease. I will work through them, but I somehow seem to be finding the strength to work through it. I hope that with my continued effort, this gets easier rather than more difficult. If that isn't the case, I'll still try my best.